


Don't Speak Against the Sun

by appleapple



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canon Era, First Time, M/M, canonverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-03
Updated: 2016-02-10
Packaged: 2018-05-17 23:40:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5889583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/appleapple/pseuds/appleapple
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Erwin thinks Levi and Eren are spending too much time together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Actus me invito factus non est meus actus

**Actus me invito factus non est meus actus**

Spring comes, but it doesn’t bring with it the usual accompanying warmth and good humor among the troops. There is a cavity in the heart of the Corp.

It’s been over three months since they lost Eren and Levi in the field. The bad weather has kept them from mounting any kind of search party to look for the bodies. Erwin brutally supposes they’ll find whatever’s left in the spring thaw. 

Armin at least can distract himself with books, and other people. Mikasa haunts the castle, not speaking to anyone for days at a time.

The first crocuses litter the ground when Eren and Levi walk back into camp. 

 

 

The first night that Armin thinks of as being back to ‘normal’--the third night after their return--Eren sits with Mikasa and Armin and the others at dinner. As soon as people start to get up and say their goodnights, Eren gets up and drifts away too.

Levi is sitting with Hanji at a table on the other side of the hall. Eren takes the empty chair at his side. Levi seems not to notice. Then, as Armin watches in astonishment, he sees Levi’s arm come up to rest on the chairback behind Eren’s head. 

For anyone else, any other two people, this might be normal. It’s not normal for Captain Levi though. Armin spends a lot of time studying other people, and the Captain doesn’t do casual touches like this. He looks from one to the other, trying to figure it out. Could they really be…?

 

 

It’s late at night and Armin’s alone in his room reading. There’s a knock on the door. Armin looks up, “Come in.”

“Commander,” he said in surprise, getting to his feet.

“That’s all right Armin,” Erwin says, waving him to stand at ease. He shut the door. “Do you know where Eren is?”

“Uh,” Armin said.

Erwin smiled faintly. “It’s all right, Armin. No one’s in trouble. I just received a message...I need to leave for the capital at once. I’d like to speak with you all briefly before I go.”

Armin looked uncomfortable and slightly guilty; “Well, he might be with Captain Levi...sir.”

“I see. Will you walk with me, Armin?”

There’s nothing Armin wants to do less at this moment, but he goes.

The walk to Captain Levi’s room takes a while, and Armin and Erwin don’t make any small talk. Outside the Captain’s room they can hear laughter--two distinct voices.

“What is there to laugh about, I wonder?” Erwin asked aloud.

Armin shifted uncomfortably but didn’t answer; the question had sounded distinctly rhetorical.

“On second thought, Armin,” smiling in a way that made the boy uneasy, “Would you mind telling them to meet us in my office? I told Hanji to get Mikasa, and I don’t want to keep them waiting.”

The commander doesn’t wait for a reply, just turns on his heel and leaves. Armin took a deep breath. He really didn’t want to intrude on whatever private moment Eren and the Captain were sharing. He’s more than a little terrified to be standing here. But orders are orders. And he supposed the commander was really being kind--if he can avoid catching them in a compromising situation then he won’t have to reprimand him. 

It’s either that, or he doesn’t want to have a show-down with Levi in front of the two younger soldiers. 

Gloomily Armin knocked on the door.

To his deep surprise, Captain Levi’s voice answered immediately.

“Yes, come in.”

Hesitantly he opened the door.

There was a small fire in the Captain’s room--the spring nights can still get very chilly, especially in a castle--and there are rugs over the flagstone floor. Everything he can see is spotless. 

Eren was lying on the rugs in front of the floor by the fire, his head propped up on his fist, brooding over a chessboard. The Captain sat cross-legged facing him, a cup of tea in his hand.

“What is it, Arlert?” Captain Levi asked.

Eren bit his lip in concentration and moved a piece--

“No, not there,” Levi said, without turning, and Eren sighed and put it back.

“Uh,” Armin said, momentarily at a loss by this unexpected turn of events. _This_ is what they’ve been doing? Playing chess?

At the Captain’s impatient look, he hurriedly went on, “Uh, Commander Erwin would like to see you both. Sir. And, uh, me too, and Mikasa and Squad Leader Hanji.”

Eren got to his feet, still looking meditatively at the chessboard as he put his boots on.

“I still don’t see why--” he complained to Levi in an undertone as they left the room together. Levi blew out candles and lowered the lamp on the way out.

“It was the wrong move, that’s why,” he said, pulling his jacket on, then clapping a gentle hand on the back of Eren’s neck.

Armin observed them from behind on the walk to Erwin’s office. They walked close together talking quietly; occasionally one of them, usually Eren, would wave his hands to illustrate a point. They seemed totally unselfconscious, taking their intimacy for granted. Seeing them for the first time you would simply assume they were old friends--not an officer and a soldier.

And not lovers, either, Armin realized in some surprise. He suddenly felt very stupid. For weeks he’d been operating on an erroneous assumption. 

When they had come back, so different, Armin had naively assumed that the change was due to sex. He’d known for a long time that Eren had a crush on Levi, beneath the obvious hero-worship. He’d never come out and said it, but Armin could tell as well as anyone with two eyes and a brain. And in the weeks since they’ve been back, they’ve been spending so much time together--alone.

But the answer is apparently both more simple and more complex than he’d originally thought. Captain Levi has never seemed to him like the kind of man who makes friends easily--really, he doesn’t seem to have any normal friendships at all. 

But then, he mused, Eren’s not like other people. Armin’s never known anyone who could match him for sheer stubbornness. And he’s good at getting under people’s defenses.

And so apparently, in the three months they were trapped together, confined to a cabin in the wilderness, something even stranger happened than the two of them becoming lovers; they became friends.

During the meeting Erwin explains that he’s been called to the capital--that Hanji will be in charge in his absence--that his business should take only two weeks or so to conduct--that they must take special care of Eren in his absence.

“Now that we know Eren is alive, we have to believe that our enemies know as well,” Erwin explained. “We have to anticipate another attack.”

Armin listened, but he watched as well. Erwin was leaning back against his desk, and the others were all facing him, in chairs that had been dragged into the office. Eren and Levi sat at his far left, Hanji and Mikasa in the middle, Armin on the right. Everyone was watching the commander, but Armin surreptitiously studied Eren and Levi.

They sat close together--closer than any of the others. And Eren wasn’t quite sprawled in his chair--but he was more relaxed sitting next to Levi than he would have been in the fall. Levi was relaxed but composed, sitting straight, and watching Erwin thoughtfully. They weren’t touching, but their arms resting on the sides of the chairs were close together--just inches apart.

When the meeting was over Erwin said, “Levi, a moment.”

The others got up to leave, and Armin glanced back. He didn’t have a good feeling about what was coming, but he knew it wasn't really any of his business...

 

 

“It’s about Eren,” Erwin said, as soon as the door has closed behind the others.

“What about him?”

“He can’t be in your room alone,” Erwin said bluntly. “It’s inappropriate. People are talking. You can’t spend so much time alone with him, either, at least when you’re not on duty.”

Levi’s eyes narrowed. His expression didn’t change, but Erwin had known him a long time, and he could read him as well as anyone. He was surprised to see Levi so furious.

“What is it you want, exactly? A chaperone? Should he invite Arlert along? Should we leave the door open?”

“No, Levi,” Erwin said patiently. “He can’t be there at all. You two were alone together for three months. What do you think people--”

“Yes, three months he had to spend carrying me around because I almost fucking died. Or do I need to show you the scars?”

“I know--”

“You don’t know a fucking thing, or you wouldn’t be asking me to do this. I’m not fucking him, for god’s sake.”

“Appearances are what matter.”

Levi shook his head, silent and furious.

“If I let you carry on,” Erwin said quietly, “Word is going to reach the other forces. You know what rumors are in the military. What do you think is going to happen if they find out that you two--”

“Nothing’s going on between us!”

“That’s not what people will believe,” Erwin said, raising his voice. “The people we report to, the people I report to, gave us this task. You’re charged with Eren’s safety, but also with his death, should it become necessary. No one’s going to believe that you’ll be capable of that if there’s a rumor going around that you’re sleeping with him. He’ll be removed from your care, and possibly from the Survey Corp as well. Is that what you want?”

Levi glared at him. “So stop the rumor.”

Erwin sighed. “How can I when he goes around staring at you like that? I’m not blind Levi--”

“For god’s sake!” Levi exploded. “It’s a fucking crush! Do you know how many subordinates I’ve had that have had crushes on me? I can think of maybe three who didn’t! I know how to handle him!”

“Yes,” Erwin snapped back, “And I don’t recall Petra being invited back to your room for midnight chess every night!”

Erwin wished the words back as soon as they were spoken. It was the wrong thing to say--unfair, on every level. Levi was on his feet, and Erwin had never seen this particular expression of absolute rage on his face before.

“I’m sorry, Levi,” he said quietly, half-expecting the other man to throw a punch at him. “That was out of line.”

“You told me,” Levi ground out the words, so low Erwin had to strain to hear them. “To do whatever it took to control him. I’m doing it.”

“It’s out of the question that things can continue the way they have. Do what you need to to remedy the situation.”

Erwin sat back down and picked up a pen; after a moment Levi swept magnificently from the room.

Erwin sighed and leaned back in his chair as soon as Levi had gone. He didn’t understand the bond between Levi and Eren, but he was happy that Levi had found someone to care about. God knew the man deserved some sliver of happiness. If that was playing board games with a teenager--well, Hanji was practically unhinged when it came to her experiments, and Mike’s greatest joy in life seemed to be sniffing things; really, it took all kinds to make the Survey Corp run.

He can’t remember seeing Levi respond to anyone’s romantic advances, well, ever. Even if that’s not what’s happening here (and he believes Levi, implicitly) he’s not an idiot. Levi feels something beyond simple friendship for the boy. Whatever it is, it’s none of Erwin’s business, and normally he would never interfere. 

But this affects the Corp. And that trumps anyone and everyone’s personal feelings. He doesn’t want to play the villain, but if that’s what Levi needs to get some distance between himself and Jaeger, then he’ll gladly be the devil.

Levi trusts him, and he’s had to work incredibly hard to earn that trust. And Levi’s been so obedient through the last few years that he wasn’t prepared for him to put up such a big fight this evening. And that’s his own fault. He should have realized that this was different--he should have approached it differently. But it’s done now, he thinks.

 

 

Fuck Erwin anyway, Levi thought, walking back to his room. Goddamn fucking piece of shit. 

He’d known it was hopeless as soon as the words had been out of Erwin’s mouth, but he’d had to fight anyway. He didn't want to be parted from Eren, and it was as much for his own sake as the boy’s.

He’s never met anyone as stubborn as Eren. It’s his only exceptional quality. He isn’t a particularly good athlete, or student, or soldier. But he’s stubborn as fuck. Locked up in the wilderness, sure that Eren was just prolonging their eventual death by starvation or cold, Levi knows it was Eren’s will to live that had gotten them through those first few weeks. He had been useless fucking dead weight, lost in a delirious haze of pain.

He can’t forget Eren’s patience during that time. It’s not something he ever would have associated with the boy--patience! 

And now Erwin wants him to just rip his fucking heart out, and stomp all over it like it’s no big deal. Well, fuck. Fine. Erwin can have what he wants; Erwin can suffer the consequences.

He knows Eren well enough to know there’s only one possible way to do this. Eren loves him; he doesn’t doubt that. To Eren, he is the stars and the sun and the motherfucking moon in the sky. Ripping his heart out is going to be the easy part; keeping him at arm’s length, or from falling off a cliff into teenage angst and despair, is going to be the challenge.

 

 

He’s in a bad mood all the next day; he spends the morning abusing everyone stupid enough to come near him. The afternoon is blessedly free of interruptions (word has gotten around, and everyone gives him a wide berth) and he spends it in hard training. Alone. After dinner he goes up to his room in a cold fury.

He throws his cape and his jacket onto the bed, heedless for once in his life of wrinkles, and he paces the room like a tiger before finally settling down in the chair by his desk with a book. He doesn’t read it, but he pretends to. Where is the fucking kid already? He wants to get this over with. 

Eren arrives at last. He knocks on the door, opens it, and comes to sit down on the floor at Levi’s feet. Smiling all the time. So fucking sure of his welcome. He doesn’t even speak, just begins unfolding the chessboard and setting up a new game.

I can’t do this, Levi thought miserably, looking down at the top of Eren’s head. It’s like kicking a goddamn defenseless puppy.

He closed the book with a snap. 

Eren looked up at once, green eyes meeting gray. He forced himself to maintain eye contact, to give nothing away. 

“Look Eren,” he said, casually, “this happy homemaker shit has been fun, but you’ve got to give it a rest.”

“W-what?”

“We’ve been back for two weeks now. I can’t have you hanging around my neck all the time, all right? Go and screw around with your friends, go get some fresh air, go and pester Hanji. I don’t really give a shit what you do, just go do it somewhere else.”

Those green eyes, looking at him, depthless. He doesn’t budge though, doesn’t waver. He can almost see the inside of Eren’s head rearranging itself.

The Captain doesn’t want me here. The Captain’s just been putting up with me all this time, waiting for me to get the hint. Of course he doesn’t want me here; he thinks I’m just a stupid kid.

If he’s expecting tears then he’s sorely misjudged Eren. It seems the boy’s learned some self-control in the last year or so he’s been in Levi’s charge. Eren gently closed the chess set and stood up. He gave a quick military salute--it would be moronically formal if it weren’t the appropriate thing to do when taking leave of a senior officer. Eren’s voice doesn’t wobble, his face doesn’t twitch, and his mouth gives nothing away.

“I’m sorry for disturbing you, sir. Good night.”

He leaves, a silent little ghost.

As soon as he has gone Levi throws his book across the room. “Fuck you Erwin, you fucking piece of shit,” he said.

He yanked open the top drawer of his bureau and grabbed a bottle tucked in the back. He poured himself two fingers of whiskey in a glass, drank it off in one gulp, then poured another two. Walking over to the mirror in his room he glared at himself.

“Fuck you too,” he said to his reflection. “What were you expecting, for god’s sake? Scenes?” he sneered. “Hysterics?”

Eren’s growing up, and he knows it. He’s turning into a fine man; he knows that too. Eren couldn’t have possibly taken things better than he did just now, and Levi is depressingly sure that at breakfast Eren will be perfectly, beautifully behaved. The little looks and smiles and jokes that they’ve been sharing for months, will all be neatly tucked away under lock and key behind those pretty green eyes.

He won’t be mooning after Levi, or angsting away, or carving Levi’s name in his arm with his butter knife. He’ll be a good little boy, in control of his emotions, because that’s what Levi’s taught him to do. 

Levi is still holding the glass in his right hand. With his left, he grabs the hem of his shirt and lifts it up, exposing his stomach. A long, pale scar marks his belly. It’s almost invisible in the soft candlelight of his room, and it looks much older than it is.

With his free hand he traces the path of the scar. He can barely feel anything--the skin there is hardly even raised. It’s a mark that’s barely there. You’d never know how close to death it had brought him.

 

_“Ungh,” Levi said, trying to sit up._

_“Lie still,” Eren said absently, his tongue between his teeth._

_“What’re you--” where is he, why is he slurring his speech?_

_“I’m just changing your bandages, Captain,” Eren said soothingly. “Don’t worry. Just relax.”_

_“What?” he feels like his guts have been rearranged; everything below his ribcage is painful._

_“It’s all right,” Eren soothed, and he brushed something over the wound that Levi couldn’t lift his head up high enough to see._

_“What is that?” in alarm. “It’s sticky!”_

_“It’s just honey, Captain.”_

_“Why are you rubbing honey on me!”_

_“Because it’s clean,” Eren said, patiently. “It draws water out of wounds. The germs in your wound can’t survive when I put this on.”_

_Levi is still regarding Eren with suspicion, and he feels five steps behind whatever’s going on. But as soon as Eren’s finished the wound does start to feel better._

_“It’s hurting less,” he said quietly._

_“Yes,” Eren said. “It’s a natural pain reliever, as well as an antiseptic.”_

_Belatedly, Levi recalled that the boy’s father had been a doctor; he relaxed marginally._

_“Levi,” and since when had Eren dropped the honorific? “Can you sit up, just for a minute? I want to wrap this bandage around you.”_

_He obeyed, and he could see how relieved Eren looked. Eren worked quickly, his hands almost a blur, and it was done before he even started to get tired. Eren grabbed a shirt that was nearby, and helped Levi into it._

_“This isn’t clean,” Levi complained._

_“I know. I’m sorry. It’s all we have at the moment.”_

_“Where are we? Eren, what’s going on?”_

_“We were attacked outside Wall Rose.”_

_Levi hissed out a long breath._

_“But, when it started to snow...Hanji’s theory seemed to be at least partially correct...the other Titans were slow to respond, with the snow and clouds blocking a lot of sunlight. The intelligent Titans couldn’t see well in the storm. It got very bad, and Erwin called for a retreat.”_

_“So why are we here?”_

_Eren let out a soft sigh. “I...you were injured, Captain. You were...trying to protect another soldier from the Titans, and somehow a blade went right through you.”_

_Levi glanced down at his injured torso._

_“It must have been bad.”_

_“It was,” Eren said quietly, and cleared his throat. “I...was in Titan form. I grabbed you, and I could hear the call for the retreat, but the snow was so bad I had trouble following...seeing where the others went. Somehow, I got separated...the rest, I don’t remember so well, I’m sorry. When I woke up again, we were here._

_“I--I guess I must have been more lucid, than usual, when I exited the Titan, because when I looked at your stomach I’d already stitched it up. But I don’t remember…”_

_Levi sighed and let his head fall back on the pillow. “I hope you at least cleaned the needle first.”_

_“Yes, sir. I mean, I can’t remember, but infection would have set in by now if it had been very dirty.”_

_Levi made a face. “How long have we been here?”_

_“I think about a week...I’ve been marking the days since I woke up, but I don’t know how long I was out, that first time.”_

_“And…” he looked puzzled at Eren. “I haven’t woken up? All this time?”_

_“You have,” Eren said, a little cagey. “You just don’t remember.”_

_“We’ve had this conversation before then.”_

_“Yeah…”_

_“Great.”_

_“You seem much more rational now though, sir!” Eren said hopefully. “And you’re not feverish now.”_

_Unbidden and before Eren could stop him, he reached out and brushed the back of his hand against Levi’s forehead. He sighed in relief._

_“Yes, it’s gone. Thank god,” he murmured mildly, more to himself than to Levi._

_Levi looked at the boy in surprise. He hadn’t ever heard Eren sound so weirdly grown-up before; it gave him an uncomfortable picture of what he might look like, sound like, in ten years. If he lived that long. And he wondered, feeling a bit chagrined, how the boy had been managing all week if he has been as difficult and fractious a patient as he suspects he has been._

_Levi leaned back. He had more questions but...he suddenly felt very tired._

_“Do you want some soup, sir? And some tea?” Eren was puttering around, and he brought the food back to the bed before Levi could answer. He was hungry, he realized._

_“Tea?”_

_“It’s from the emergency rations. I’ve been saving it for when you were feeling better.”_

_“How have you been managing?”_

_“There were some old stores in the pantry, here, dried beans and things that are still okay to eat. And I’ve been going out to hunt...I think this was a hunting lodge, there’s a lot of weapons, and fishing poles, things like that.”_

Back in the present Levi sighed. He’s done a lot of shitty things in his life; betraying a comrade, no, more than that--someone who loves him--might not be his worst sin, but it’s a new one.

 

 

“Jeez,” Jean muttered to the general company the next day. “What’s eating the Captain?”

Levi was even nastier than usual that day, running them off their legs during training. “You’re dead Jean! A Titan just ate you! You just got Connie eaten, Sasha! Good job!” they had been hearing all morning. Everyone was edgey--the Captain’s anger causing them to make more mistakes than usual.

“Eren,” Jean said nudging him.

“Huh?”

“You talk to him. He likes you.”

Eren tried to protest this, but it was quickly taken up by the others.

“Eren, it’s almost lunchtime!” Sasha cried. “We’ve been out here for hours!”

The Titans won’t give us a break for lunch, Eren was tempted to say, but he knew that was unfair, and would only get him glares from his companions. He sighed, and flew up to where the Captain was perched several hundred meters off.

“Well?” Levi asked, when he’d arrived.

They were too far away to be overheard by the others. The trees weren’t in full leaf yet, but all the branches standing between them offered enough cover for Eren to feel comfortable reaching out and touching Levi on the shoulder.

“Are you all right, Captain?” Eren asked gently.

Levi looked surprised, and Eren continued, “Is your injury bothering you?” His hand was still on his shoulder. Before, it was something that would have passed unnoticed between them.

Almost unconsciously, Levi put a hand on his stomach, where the scar was. “No,” he said. “I’m fine.” He looked down to where the rest of their squad was clustered together. “Your friends are shit,” he said. “They’ve gotten fat and lazy cooped up in that castle all winter.”

“Well, Erwin split them among the other squads when they thought we were dead,” Eren said, following his gaze. “It will take time for everyone to work together as a team again.”

“You’re right,” Levi said. Eren blinked in surprise. “I suppose they sent you up here to get me off their backs, huh? Cowards.”

Eren grinned, slowly. “Well, they said you’d go easy on me, because you like me. I tried to tell them it wasn’t true.” He was smiling crookedly at Levi, inviting him to share in the joke.

“Hm! Yes, we know better,” Levi agreed, and Eren’s grin got wider. “Fine, go and tell them they can have lunch. But if anyone’s late getting back--”

“I’ll tell them. Thank you, sir,” Eren said, and he flew down to rejoin his friends.

Levi watched him go, wondering how it was that that he could be feeling better. It was irritating to think that Eren was taking this better than he was.

He waited until they had all gone, then flew down himself to go for a walk along the edge of the lake. It was rather gray and gruesome in the cold early spring, but in a few weeks he knew the woods would be fully alive, filling up with birds and flowers. 

There was a large, flat stone at the edge hovering over the surface of the water. There was no sun today, and it was too cold to be sitting still, but he went and sat there anyway, letting the cold bleed into his bones.

He wasn’t even surprised when twenty minutes later he heard soft footsteps creep up behind him, crunching in the rocks and sand along the shore.

“Didn’t I tell you to buzz off?” he complained, unable to put any force into behind it.

Eren put down a handkerchief-wrapped bundle then slid down to sit next to Levi, his legs swinging on the edge of the rock over the water. 

“You _are_ ill,” Eren said, eyes wide in concern. He put an arm around Levi, drawing him close and draping his cape around both of them.

“I’m fine,” Levi said. “Go away or I’ll push you in.” God, this was horrible. Fucking Erwin! He had had everything under control, and then Erwin with his stupid ideas about propriety had nosed in and ruined everything. In pushing Eren away he had only driven him closer. He didn’t have the fucking energy to keep doing this, either.

Besides, Eren was always so warm--it felt wonderful to have him pressed against his body like this.

“You weren’t at lunch. I brought you some food, do you want--”

“Yes, fine, give me a sandwich. Then get lost. I want to be alone.”

“All right,” Eren said peaceably. He picked up the bundle and unwrapped it carefully, giving Levi a napkin first, then the sandwich, and putting a water flask between them. There was no indication that he was leaving. He sat there next to Levi, eating his own sandwich and contemplating the lake in front of them.

Stubborn bastard, Levi thought with helpless affection, and let him stay.

 

 

The day after Levi had tossed him out of his room he had seemed like he was in pain. Eren’s concern for him had quickly overcome his usual obedience when it came to Levi’s orders. He’d spent the winter nursing Levi through terrible injuries, and when he’d seemed to be suffering again that had carried more weight than what Levi had said to him. A big part of him had also been hoping that Levi hadn’t really wanted to be rid of him after all, and that it was just his old injuries making him irritable.

Levi had tolerated his fussing for a few minutes, then told him to shove off, and Eren had gone. He’d been reassured that Levi was physically okay--but a bigger part of him (one that he was ashamed of) felt unbelievably depressed.

Like a kid with his favorite toy taken away, Eren thought. He didn’t know what had happened. He’d obviously done something to wear out his welcome, if the day before yesterday Levi’d been acting normal--seeming even to like having Eren around--and today he couldn’t stand him.

 

 

_“Help me up,” Levi said one morning. “I want to go outside.”_

_“But--”_

_“Eren, we’ve been cooped up in here for weeks. If I have to stare at these fucking walls for one more second I’m going to kill myself. Or you.”_

_“Okay,” Eren said reluctantly. He fussed around, helping Levi with his boots and cape, and hovering nearby as Levi stumped to the door._

_“Okay,” Levi said, staring out into the snow. “Give me your arm.”_

_Together they trooped up to the top of the closest hill, making slow progress through the snow. At the top there was nowhere to sit, but Levi was gasping for breath. Eren laid his cape in the snow, and sat there huddled with Levi, supporting him._

_Levi leaned against Eren, feeling cold and worn out from the brief climb. Eren put his arms around him automatically. It was the kind of physical closeness that would have been unthinkable just a few weeks ago, but now they both took it for granted._

_Eren’s body was always slightly hotter than normal because of his Titan abilities, and since they’d become stranded here Levi had been incredibly grateful for that. There wasn’t much wood to burn, and at night they slept huddled together, covered by their capes and all the blankets they’d been able to find._

_“This sucks,” Levi said, at the same time Eren said,_

_“We need more wood.”_

_Levi raised an eyebrow at him. “Well?”_

_Eren took a deep breath. “We don’t have enough. And I don’t think there are enough trees close to the cabin to get us through...however long it takes.”_

_Levi sighed. “Yeah?”_

_“I think I should transform. I can travel a lot farther, a lot more quickly in Titan form. If I can find a forest I can bring back as much wood as we need.”_

_“And if there’s an enemy nearby.”_

_“If we don’t do anything we’re going to freeze anyway and it won’t matter.” He paused. “It’s going to snow again soon. If I go now, the snow will cover whatever tracks I make.”_

_“We could just head back to the Wall. Get back to camp.”_

_Eren shook his head. “You’re not healed enough yet. And if we run into trouble…”_

_Levi sighed. “Fine. Help me back to the cabin. Then go.”_

_Eren had been gone for more than twenty-four hours. Levi hadn’t slept during that time. He had sat by the small pathetic fire, and considered his options after it had become likely that Eren wouldn’t be coming back. They weren’t appealing. He had never felt so helpless._

_When he had heard Eren shuffling at the door--long after he had believed that the boy was dead or had been captured--he had closed his eyes._

_“Levi! Hey, Levi, are you all right? Did you fall asleep sitting up? What’s that?”_

_He’d come and crouched by Levi, picking up one of the small crudely carved objects he’d made._

_“What’s this?”_

_“A chess set,” Levi said. “So we can do something besides stare at the walls and wait for our brains to dribble out of our ears.”_

_Eren grinned at him. “I’m sorry I took so long. I think I have all the wood we’ll need now though. And I got a good look at where we are.” He sketched out the area they were in for Levi, describing what he’d been able to see in his Titan form._

_Levi was exhausted, but the trip outside the cabin seemed to have had the opposite effect on Eren. After Eren changed the bandages on his wound he fell asleep, and when he woke up hours later the cabin was warm and the fire had roared into life. Eren had cleaned everything while he was sleeping (now that they had as much hot water as they liked), and half their blankets and clothes were strung across the room, dripping but clean. The wooden tub that had been propped in the pantry was in the center of the room, by the fireplace, where Eren was filling it with hot water from a boiling kettle._

_Seeing that Levi was awake, he said, “It won’t be really hot. But I thought you’d like a bath anyway.”_

_“Yes,” he said, emphatically, getting up. Eren helped him undress, putting his dirty clothes aside to wash afterwards, and helped him into the warm water._

_Eren helped him to wash too, “Try to keep the stitches from getting wet,” and Levi hadn’t pushed him away. At the time, it hadn’t seemed important._

_“There’s nothing really dry yet, I’m sorry. One of these blankets isn’t too damp…”_

_“That’s fine.” He let Eren wrap it around his shoulders, and then he had sat in a chair by the fire while Eren washed his clothes, and made their food, and rearranged the hanging blankets to try to get them to dry more quickly._

_Levi finished carving the chess set, and watched Eren, and wondered what it was that he was feeling. Was it something other people had a name for? The smallest part--affection, lust--he could understand. But the bigger things--understanding that Eren was capable of managing this shitty situation they were in, and not merely just keeping them alive, but doing his best to keep Levi happy--all this fucking around with laundry and hot water and sweeping and scrubbing--it must have taken half the damn day. And doing it cheerfully, not grudgingly, and keeping to that fine balance of taking care of him without annoying him._

_They ate dinner and they played chess afterward. Levi darkened the black pieces with some ash from the fire. After one game--which Eren played poorly--it was impossible to ignore how tired the boy was. He kept yawning--but said he didn’t mind playing again if Levi wanted._

_“No,” Levi said. “Let’s go to sleep.”_

_They didn’t have enough clean dry blankets--or clothes--to allow themselves even a minimal illusion of privacy tonight. Before Eren could turn away--they slept back to back, or side by side most of the time--Levi turned to embrace him as if it were the most natural thing in the world._

_In the darkness Levi heard Eren’s breath catch. He stroked Eren’s hair, and Eren leaned into the touch._

_“Thank you, Eren. For everything.”_

_Eren was quiet for a long moment; there was only the crackle and sizzle of the fire. “You’re welcome,” he said. “But I just did what I needed to. I don’t--”_

_“I don’t deserve to be thanked” was what he had been about to say, Levi was pretty sure. Eren, who still blamed himself for the deaths of so many fallen comrades._

_Eren cleared his throat. “But, you’re welcome.”_

_Was that the moment he had first wanted to kiss him? What would have happened if he had? He had no doubt Eren would have turned to him, warmly, eagerly, welcoming. All his tiredness forgotten._

_Instead he said, “Good night, Eren.” And they had fallen asleep._

_After being cooped up together for so long, it would have been normal for them to have been thoroughly sick of each other by the end. They hadn’t been. As soon as Levi could walk a few steps on his own he wanted to walk a few more; that kept Eren anxiously running after him while trying (not very successfully) for nonchalance. Levi, as a military officer and longtime wrangler of teenage trainees knew perfectly well that boredom and inactivity led to trouble. He did his best to keep them both busy._

_They built snow forts outside. “Are you sure about this?” Eren asked skeptically, obviously finding it difficult to square the idea of his Captain wanting to do something so childish._

_A snowball hit him in the face, and after that Eren had no more objections; he just wanted revenge._

_When the stitches came out and Eren agreed his wounds were healed enough to start training again he’d fought with Eren. Grappling wasn't safe (straddling Eren and rolling around on the floor with him? No, thank you), and anyway there was nowhere good to practice--inside was too small, outside too snowy--but he taught Eren knife fighting. He gave Eren a knife to use, but only used a thick branch himself. Eren was annoyed--until it was obvious it didn’t matter, Levi was simply too quick and agile for the difference in their weapons to affect the outcome. After that, he shut up and focused on learning, and didn’t worry about Levi getting hurt._

_With some of the branches and scraps they made snow shoes--having to go through several models before coming up with a design that was strong enough and sturdy enough to function. They tried to find deer or rabbits or birds to hunt, with limited success. And they were always wary in case of Titans. But in that, at least, they were lucky._

_When they’d finally made it back there’d been a debrief with Erwin, and then Eren had been absorbed into the fold of his friends. After dinner Levi had gone up to his room--alone--and wondered why he felt so irritable. He should have been happy for the peace and quiet--for the chance to bathe properly, and in private--for tea, and his books. And he was. But did that mean he had to give up everything else?_

_When the knock had come on his door--after Eren’s friends had gone to bed, and he’d finally been left alone--Levi had sighed in relief. Eren was standing there, smiling, holding the borrowed chess set (they had left the crude one he had carved behind--they had traveled light when leaving the cabin). ___

He had never stopped desiring Eren. But the real affection and intimacy they had developed for each other had made the desire fade enough to be, if not forgotten, then at least possible to ignore. Without an outlet--a safe outlet--he felt disaster looming.


	2. Amantes sunt amentes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is loved!

**Amantes sunt amentes**

Now that Levi had no use for him he had more free time. A lot more. Or at least it felt that way. He did his best to fill it up--every morning he didn’t have other chores he went out to train with anyone who would accompany him. When his friends started to get tired of his diligence he went for runs by himself along the perimeter of the lake.

He volunteered for experiments whenever Hanji wanted. If he went to bed tired enough it usually muted whatever unhappiness he was feeling, and he could sleep. Although, he’d started having nightmares again. Usually about the forest, the Female Titan--Annie. 

Squad Levi dying. 

At night before falling asleep he had taken to whispering to himself, “Petra. Oluo. Eld. Gunther,” while absently clutching the key he wore around his neck. He had never forgotten them, but the time he'd spent alone with Levi had soothed the worst of his grief and shame.

Even with Levi newly distant the little bit of time that he spent with him was always the best part of the day. It didn't matter if Levi was crabbily telling them all how useless they were; it was better than not seeing him at all. And there was a certain satisfaction in knowing that they were getting better. Levi pushed them hard, but you could tell when you made him happy, and Eren wasn't the only member of their team working to get that rare approval.

But they weren't like Levi’s first squad. Eren had no trouble remembering how complete their trust in each other had been, and how extraordinary to see them work together. He doubted he and his teammates would ever be able to achieve such a perfect understanding.

Half a dozen times he thought about asking Levi if he had done something, but in the end he always chickened out. He thought the question would just annoy him. Corrections from Levi are always swift and vicious--he's not exactly shy when it comes to telling you you've done something moronic.

Eren thought a lot about the last conversation they'd had in Levi's room. It was as though the man he'd grown to know over the past few months had been replaced by a stranger. He didn’t know why it had been so sudden. If things hadn’t been so good before, he could have accepted the obvious answer--that Levi was just sick of babysitting him all the time.

But he knew Levi had liked him. He had made Levi laugh. Levi had told him stories--barracks stories, crude but usually hilarious. He had told Levi about his childhood growing up with Mikasa and Armin. They had become more than just an officer and a soldier. They had been friends. He knew, he _knew_ that it had been real.

And maybe he would have asked Levi, would have stubbornly pushed him to admit what had really happened, if it hadn’t been for…

Petra. Oluo. Eld. Gunther.

Eren’s never forgiven himself for their deaths. If Levi feels the same way--even just a little bit--well. Eren probably wouldn’t want to hang out with himself, either.

 

 

“Sir? Captain Levi?”

Levi was in his office with the door open, and Armin had rapped perfunctorily at the doorframe. He was standing there, looking anxious. 

“What is it, Armin?”

“It’s Eren, sir, he collapsed during one of Hanji’s experiments, and they can’t get him out--”

Muttering a curse, Levi dragged on his gear and trotted with Armin out to the field behind the castle. A half dozen people were standing around arguing, and Eren’s Titan was steaming, face down on the ground. Levi quickly saw what the problem was--the Titan was giving off an extraordinary amount of heat, too much for anyone to get close enough to safely cut Eren out.

Levi hastily threw on a pair of suede gloves; not the best protection, particularly when holding metal blades near a heat source, but better than nothing. 

“Armin, take your cloak off, have it ready to put around him after I get him out. Stand as close as you can.”

Levi leaped up and--not thinking about the heat, about his hair and clothes getting singed--he darted up the back of Eren’s Titan, making quick precise cuts. Even so it was a bitch getting him out, and Levi cursed again--this seemed to be one of those times he’d started to fuse with the Titan. Fucking great.

In what seemed like forever--but was probably less than thirty seconds all told--he had dragged Eren’s steaming body out of the Titan’s neck, and was dropping down with him to where Armin was waiting.

Armin yelped involuntarily at the heat coming off of his friend, but quickly bit his tongue. He and Levi each grabbed two corners of the cape and ran for the lake. A few people started to follow them, and Levi snarled at them all to fuck off.

They dropped him into the water, which immediately began to steam and bubble around him, and Levi went in fully clothed up to his chest, holding Eren’s head up to keep him from drowning. Levi peeled off his gloves and tossed them at the shore, then kicked out of his boots, shaking his head at them as he did so.

“I liked those boots," he complained. "Armin, help me get him undressed.”

Armin hurriedly left all his clothes except for his pants at the water’s edge and then swam in, wincing a bit at the cold. He maneuvered Eren’s clothes off while Levi held his head up above the water.

“He hasn’t woken up yet.”

“No.”

“Sir,” Armin said suddenly. “Why weren’t you there today? You haven’t been coming lately.”

Levi returned his gaze coolly, and Armin forced himself not to look away. “He’s had more control over his Titan form. To be honest, I didn’t think my presence was necessary any longer.” Levi paused; he seemed to be considering whether he should say more. 

“How often has Hanji been running her experiments?”

Armin looked at him in surprise. “You didn’t know?” he blurted out. He realized, belatedly, that Levi had come on Monday, and yes that day they had planned in advance to test Eren’s Titan abilities. The other times had been...spontaneous. Apparently no one had told the Captain about them.

“He’s...been volunteering to help Hanji whenever she’s free.”

“And running around the lake at dawn...training in the morning and afternoon. Hm.”

Armin looked squeamish. “I’m sorry if I spoke out of turn, sir, I wasn’t accusing you of anything.”

Levi looked up at him. “I know,” he said. “Is there anything else I should know about? Now that we’re getting all this out in the open?”

Armin squirmed. “I don’t think...he’s been sleeping very much. And since he’s been increasing his transformations, he doesn’t seem to be healing as quickly.”

“Wonderful.” They both turned to look back at Eren. His nose had started bleeding. Levi frowned and wiped away the blood.

“Sir! Your hands!” Armin said, spotting the blisters for the first time.

“I’ll be all right. Ah--” he smiled suddenly, for no reason Armin could see, and said, “Go and see if you can find some honey, all right? And bandages--and towels--some new clothes for Eren.”

“Yes, sir,” Armin said, and Levi called after him, “And don’t bring anyone back with you all right? My orders.”

When Armin was gone Levi turned his attention back to Eren. He had cooled off, but still hadn’t woken up. Levi held his nose shut, then dunked him backwards in the water. He started sputtering almost immediately and Levi brought him back up.

He was shaking his head, coughing out water, and he brought his arms up to cling weakly to Levi.

“I’m sorry,” he sobbed, quiet enough that Levi could hardly hear him. He muttered something else, shaking. Levi stroked his back, wondering if he should bring him in--the water was cold.

Levi had been planning to chew him out for running himself ragged, but he figured that could wait.

“Sorry for what?” he asked gently.

“It’s my fault...my fault...I didn’t mean to…” the rest was lost in a sob, as he laid his head on Levi’s shoulder.

Levi knew he was delirious--probably wouldn’t even remember all this later on--but it was the first indication he’d had that something deeper was wrong with Eren.

This isn’t just feeling rejected and not having your crush reciprocated, Levi thought, stroking Eren’s back. No. All this running around like a deranged masochist--it’s not some deluded attempt to elicit pity or attention. It’s something else. Eren’s trying to outrun something, or punish himself for something--maybe both.

Armin paused when he came to the edge of the tree line at the shore. Levi was holding Eren now--almost in his lap, it looked like. Eren had laid his head on Levi’s shoulder. Had he woken up at some point? Trying to make as much noise as he could Armin marched down to the edge of the water, and put down the things he’d brought. 

“I--got you some clothes too, sir.”

Levi raised an eyebrow at him, and he said quickly, “They’re mine...I think they’ll fit you. I didn’t--” want to go rummaging through your things, he didn’t say, and finished lamely, “Well, anyway, your room was on the other side of the castle.”

Levi smiled faintly. “Thank you,” he said. “Help me get him out. I think he’ll be all right.”

Eren seemed barely conscious; he would move his legs and arms when they told him to, but his eyes were shut most of the time. Levi left it to Armin to get him dressed, while he dried himself off and used the honey and bandages to bind up his hands.

“All right. Let’s get him back to his room.” Armin draped one of Eren’s arms around himself while Levi did the same thing on his other side and they went off.

 

 

Mikasa hadn’t been there during the experiment either, and she was indignant that no one had told her about it. She had heard about what had happened though, and was waiting to ambush them in Eren’s rooms. 

Armin was impressed by how quickly Levi dressed her down and sent her off; she went, but she was fuming. 

“There,” Levi said, when they’d gotten him (still unconscious) into bed. “Someone should stay with him. Sit with him until dinner. When she comes back, you can let her take over if she’s calmed down. But only if,” he said, giving Armin a pointed look. He gulped and nodded. He really didn’t want to be caught between the two of them, but if it came down to it he’d obey Levi. Of the two of them, he thought Mikasa was less likely to kill him.

“Don’t say anything to him about what happened, all right? No scoldings. I’ll come back at ten and see how he is. If he gets worse let me or Hanji know right away, got it?”

“Yes, sir!” Armin said quickly.

 

 

He woke up suddenly from a nightmare, and lay there paralyzed for a moment. When he opened his eyes he could tell there was a light on in the room, but that it was dark outside.

He sat up. Levi was sitting in a chair by his bed, reading.

“Sir?” he said. He was too out of it to notice how hopeful he sounded; and he missed the slight wince that crossed Levi’s face as he marked his page and closed the book.

“Eren,” Levi said. “How are you feeling?”

“Okay. I guess. Tired. Did...something happen?”

“What’s the last thing you remember?”

“I--” he swallowed. The last week was a blur. What did he remember? Sitting with Levi by the lake...in the lake...no, that wasn’t right. That wasn’t how it had happened. He left the confusing lake memory...the painful memory of Levi throwing him out of his room… He groped around, like a person in the dark, looking for something substantial to hold on to. The nightmares jumped out at him, and as carefully as he could his shied away, looking for something else.

“It’s all right,” Levi said mildly. He realized belatedly that he’d taken too long to answer. “You transformed today, and we had some trouble getting you out. I think you may have been overdoing it,” he said, with a note of irony that Eren missed.

He rested the back of his hand against Eren’s forehead. “You feel warm...even for you. You need to take it easy the next few days. But I think you’ll be all right.”

He stood up to go, his book in his hand.

“No, wait,” Eren blurted out, before he could stop himself. “Do you--do you have to go?”

Levi hesitated. He sounded so wistful--so young! Like a blow, he remembered all the nights he’d been injured that Eren had stayed up with him. Uncomplaining. Fuck, he shouldn’t have even had to ask! A few weeks ago, he wouldn’t have.

But he’d promised Erwin.

Fuck Erwin, an angry inner voice said. We were managing fine before. None of this would have even happened if he hadn’t interfered. He would have just told me if something was bothering him instead of running around like a fucking lunatic…

“Yeah,” Levi said, dropping the book on the chair, and it fucking hurt how quickly Eren’s face cleared as he looked up hopefully at Levi.

“We can play chess, if you’re not too tired.”

 

 

The next day Eren was too weak to get up. Somehow he felt even worse. He stayed in his room, napping and waking long enough to eat a roll or piece of fruit before falling back to sleep. Sometimes when he woke up Mikasa or Armin was there, but when they asked if he wanted anything he just pulled his blanket up to his neck and asked to be left alone.

It was nightfall before Levi came to check on him.

He woke up to find Levi sitting on the edge of the bed. “Still warm,” he said, brushing hair back from Eren’s forehead.

What do you care? Eren thought, but didn’t say. He bit his lip and turned away, putting his back to the Captain. Did he believe that? He'd spent all day thinking...lately, Levi hadn’t seemed to care much what happened to him until he’d gotten hurt. Was he only valuable as an asset now? And as the day had gone on...he'd been less and less certain that Levi was going to turn up at all.

Eren felt Levi go still beside him.

“Please sir, I’m tired. I’d just like to be alone.”

Levi stared at Eren’s back. If he walked out he could keep his promise to Erwin; if he stayed he couldn’t. If he cracked Eren open, then withdrew his attention again…

He thought about walking out. Eren would be okay. Ill and miserable and alone, but okay. 

He had promised Erwin. And he owed Erwin his loyalty. 

But Eren had kept him alive for three months. Sewed his guts up, and kept him from freezing or starving, boiled water for his damn baths, done his laundry, and never complained. And those nights...the delirious ones, the ones he barely remembers except as a red haze of pain. Those nights Eren had stayed up with him, doing anything to try to make him more comfortable. 

He slipped his jacket off his shoulders and put it on the chair. He took his boots off and left them by the side of the bed. Eren hunched up his shoulders a little, but didn’t say anything.

Levi climbed into the bed behind him and put his arms around him.

“You don’t have to--be nice to me just because you feel sorry for me,” Eren said suddenly.

“Okay.”

Eren muttered something inaudible and Levi rested his arm on Eren’s side. I know this must be confusing for you, he told Eren in his head. I know I’m sending you mixed messages. But you see, Erwin Smith is a giant steaming pile of shit.

“What did you mean the other day, when you said it was all your fault?”

Eren didn’t answer at first. Then he said, woodenly, “I don’t know. I don’t remember.”

It made Levi want to beat the shit out of him. And think: I know. I took away your reason to trust me, and I’m sorry. I...broke faith with you. 

“You haven’t done anything wrong, Eren.”

He guessed he must have sounded convincing. Eren swallowed and said, “Then why--never mind.”

Levi didn’t say anything else, just stayed until Eren fell asleep. When his breathing evened out and slowed he got up slowly, so as not to disturb him. As he was leaving he noticed something on the windowsill.

Eren had taken two rooks from the chess set he had carved at the cabin. Levi hadn't even known he had taken them. When Eren had asked him about it he'd said no--just leave it behind. They didn't need to carry any extra weight.

He picked up the pieces--a white and a black, and at some point Eren had found the time to dye the black piece with something more permanent than ash. It shouldn't make his heart hurt to see that Eren had taken them. It was really just a sentimental, silly gesture. He put them back carefully in their spot on the windowsill before leaving.

 

 

Before, they had played chess at night and talked, mostly. But sometimes they had sat together reading. The window in Levi’s room was just large enough that he could stretch his legs out on the sill. If he was already sitting there reading when Eren came in, Eren had usually come to sit next to him. Not just near him, but next to him, pushing the chair close enough that they were touching. Sometimes he’d stretch an arm out to rest on Levi’s legs and just--leave it there, for hours. Turning the pages of his book with one hand.

If Levi caught Eren smiling he’d say, “What?” and Eren would read the passage aloud. More often than not Levi would smile too.

It wouldn’t have been possible in the fall. Eren would have gotten righteously and deservedly smacked down for taking liberties. But confinement in that cabin had changed them--you couldn’t exactly protest someone touching your leg while you were reading when that same someone had stitched you back together, nursed you through fever, kept you warm at night by wrapping themselves around you, and done laundry every day just so that you could have a damn pair of clean underwear. It would have been petty. And a lie--because at some point that winter Eren had realized that Levi liked being touched.

It wasn’t something he’d ever come out and said. He hadn’t needed to. In the beginning he’d needed Eren--he could barely even feed himself, never mind staggering outside alone to take a piss or changing his own bandages. Later, as he’d started to improve he hadn’t pushed Eren away. When he could move around on his own a little (albeit slowly and always clutching his injured belly) Eren had hovered nearby, worrying about him. And when he’d touched Levi-- 

Levi had leaned in. Eren had spent the last year learning to obey the Captain’s commands, whether spoken or unspoken. And he was far from stupid. So touching--casual, friendly, affectionate--had become part of their lives. Part of why Levi had been so lax about it--letting Eren get close like that, without protest or comment--was because _that_ touching was safe. If they could have this, then they could ignore the other thing. Eren was naive enough to believe that Levi didn’t want anything more from him. It gave him an outlet for his frustrated sexual energy, and kept him from trying anything more dangerous.

Anything that, as time passed, Levi was less and less likely to punch him for. Once it had been easy to keep the kid at arm’s length, and he hadn’t batted an eye at Eren’s obvious interest in him. He was used to that. What he wasn’t used to was the way that interest had increased once Eren had gotten to know him better. With most people, reality tended to pall compared to the idealized version of humanity’s strongest soldier.

How could he explain to Erwin that it wasn’t as simple as he believed? Before he’d met Eren his life had been the same for a long time. There had been time to establish routines. Habits. Things that kept him grounded even when grief and sorrow were overwhelming. He was self-aware enough to understand that his mania for cleanliness was an attempt to exert order on the world. To regain some control.

Eren had--mostly unintentionally, to be fair--come in and upended the contents of his life. Scattering everything--from his loyalties to his priorities. The shitty situations they kept falling into made it impossible for him to impose any kind of real structure in his life. All he could do was live each day and deal with the consequences.

 

 

On Friday Mikasa and Armin dragged him out of bed and made him go for a ride, telling him he needed fresh air and exercise. They had gotten permission to take the horses out, and after a half hour of riding Eren found he was feeling better, even able to laugh and joke with his friends. 

In a dip beyond the trail they were following the other two pulled up, and Eren followed. The others were waiting there--Sasha, Connie, Krista, and Jean--and the girls jumped up and yelled, “Surprise!”

They had laid out a picnic blanket with food.

Eren looked at them uncertainly.

“Did you forget, dummy? It’s your birthday!”

“Oh,” he said in surprise. He had forgotten.

They spent the day out. They had pooled their resources to put a decent spread together--and even though he knew it was as much because they’d all wanted to just have some fun for a change as it was because he was their friend--it was oddly humbling. One of them must have gone to town, or bribed someone who had, because there was beer in addition to the fruit and cheese and small honey cakes. And--

“Meat!” Sasha said triumphantly, holding up two sausages, which the others were quick to wrestle away from her.

“Where’d you get it,” Eren asked, impressed.

“We asked Squad Leader Hanji for permission to accompany her to town. When she found out what we were doing, she got them for us.”

They tore into the food, and passed the beer around, and when every crumb was gone Sasha pulled out a few balls she’d brought along. They started playing--a kind of hybrid version of the different games they’d grown up playing in their hometowns--and for the rest of the afternoon shrieking, laughter, and shouts of joy and frustration echoed from the valley.

They didn’t start back until it was nearly sunset, and it was dark by the time they reached the castle. When Krista volunteered to take the horses in, Connie and Jean argued about who would help her while Sasha and Mikasa rolled their eyes.

“I think we can make dinner if we hurry!” Sasha said. “Eren, are you coming?”

“Yeah, in a minute. I want to clean up first.” Levi would be at dinner, and Eren didn’t want to see his mouth twist in disapproval if he showed up filthy and sweaty.

They scattered across the courtyard, and Eren was about to go up to his room when Hanji waylaid him.

“Eren! How are you feeling?”

“I’m very well, Squad Leader. Thank you for getting us the sausages. We all enjoyed them.”

Hanji beamed at him. “You’re welcome. I’m glad to see you’re feeling better. I’m very sorry for pushing you so hard the other day, Eren--”

“I volunteered for that--you don’t need to apologize,” Eren protested, but Hanji shook her head.

“No, Levi was right. We definitely pushed you too hard! From now on, we’ll experiment no more than every other day,” she said firmly.

Eren continued up to his room, feeling pleased. He wondered what Levi had said to Hanji. Of course, it made sense--Levi was responsible for him. He didn’t want him to be damaged beyond repair. But still, he would have liked to have heard what had passed between them.

There was a present sitting on his desk. He stared at it for a moment, knowing there was only one person it could be from. Last year Levi had given him socks, underwear, and handkerchiefs, which had been useful as well as a pointed criticism of his personal hygiene.

He walked over to the desk and picked it up, feeling the weight of it in his hands. It was a tin of sweets, the kind they sold in fancy shops in the big cities. Too exotic for him to have tried most of them before. He stood in the room for a minute, examining the gift, flushed with pleasure.

Levi could have just gotten him socks again--or nothing. What does it mean that he gave him a gift that’s purely impractical? He also realized that he must have asked someone to pick it up for him, because he hasn’t left the castle in weeks. Probably Hanji. The knowledge that Levi had to have gone to a little trouble to do this for him is maybe the best part of it all.

At dinner, he’s the only one of his squad who’s thoroughly washed and changed into clean clothes. He’s also the last one to sit down. Levi is sitting with Eren’s friends, as he often does, especially when Erwin isn’t there. They’re his squad, after all. Everyone’s still in high spirits from their day off, although they’re toning it down a little out of deference to the Captain.

“Thank you for the gift, sir,” he said, too quiet to be heard by the others.

Levi glanced at him sideways--amused? It’s hard to tell--and said, “Welcome.”

There is a pause while they’re eating, and then Levi said, too low to be overheard, “You look better.”

“I feel better. It was good to get out today.”

“Mikasa said you forgot your own birthday.”

Eren grinned a little. “Yeah. I think my sense of time is still messed up from when we were gone.”

“I know that feeling.”

“I’m sorry--for being so difficult all week, Captain.”

“I won’t hold it against you. I was worse when I was ill.”

Eren smiled, feeling happier than he had in weeks. The Captain couldn’t really hate him if he was being nice again...before, maybe he _had_ just been sick of spending so much time with him. That was okay...you could like somebody without needing to spend every minute with them, right?

“Do you want to play chess after dinner, sir?”

Levi seemed to hesitate, but for so short a time Eren wondered later if he’d imagined it. “All right,” he said. “But down here. I’m sick of staring at the walls in my room.”

Eren felt just the tiniest shred of disappointment--if he tried to play with Levi down here, the others were sure to butt in and he wouldn’t have Levi all to himself. But he scolded himself for being childish and after dinner he went to get the board.

Sure enough, as soon as this new form of entertainment was offered everyone hung around to watch, offering advice (“No, not there! He’s gonna take your knight!”) and criticism (“Come on, Eren, you should have seen that coming!”). Levi told them all to shut up a few times, but as long as they kept the muttering below a dull roar, he let them hang around. 

Eren could actually beat Levi sometimes, but he was flustered by the rest of the squad’s commentary and tonight he played badly. When Levi had beaten him handily, he was shoved aside to let someone else have a turn. By committee they elected Armin, agreeing he had the best chance of beating the Captain. Eren, frustrated, went to sit by the side. This wasn’t what he’d had in mind at all when he’d asked the Captain to play.

After the first few moves he frowned. Armin was watching the board thoughtfully. Eren glanced at Levi’s face, which was impassive. 

It wasn’t something you’d be able to tell if you didn’t know how Levi played. But Eren was almost positive he was throwing the game--deliberately playing just a little below his skill level. Eren didn’t know why he would--the Captain was as competitive as anybody. But he was certain that that was what he was seeing. 

When Armin won after a decently long interval the others congratulated him and Jean jumped into Levi’s vacated chair. Levi came to sit next to Eren, and he was close enough that their legs were touching. Eren didn’t look at him--and he tried not to smile or look too conscious. But he let himself relax and lean into Levi just a little bit more as they watched the game.

 

 

Levi was annoyed with himself for forgetting the most basic tenet of teenager management--you had to keep the little fuckers busy or they got into trouble. He’d been too busy moping around himself to realize he’d neglected his duty--training them and giving them chores apparently wasn’t enough, and leaving Eren to his own devices was now a proven awful idea. Playing games with his friends had obviously done him a lot of good, but that didn’t mean he was going to go let them go party and get drunk every day.

But he was going to have to take more active management of the situation. He was going to have to get creative. It was annoying, but It was something he should have thought of sooner--they needed to work on being a team anyway--and he was a little disgusted with himself for brooding on his emotional state rather than going for the obvious. That was what came of spending so much time with a bunch of teenage brats!

 

 

It rained for the next three days. On the first day, Levi made them clean the castle. There was a lot of moaning about this. 

“Shut up,” Levi said. “Two teams. You can choose, but I recommend boys versus girls.” Looking at Mikasa, he said seriously, “I know there are fewer of you, but I doubt you want the dead weight.”

The boys made indignant noises, which he ignored, and continued, “Whoever cleans the most rooms--properly--wins. The winning team gets a prize.”

“What’s the prize?”

“Food,” Levi said. “You can start now.”

“Wait, it isn’t fair, they have Sasha on their team!”

It wasn’t like cleaning the castle was ever going to be fun, but they were all competitive--Mikasa and the girls were relying on natural talent and ability, while Armin tried to come up with a strategy that utilized their greater numbers.

There was a lot of running back and forth and shouting while they cleaned frantically--although the first half of the afternoon was lost to a number of sabotage attempts when the girls hid their mops after lunch, and the boys retaliated by kicking their soapy water buckets down the stairs. Before it could devolve into an out-and-out brawl Levi interceded and told them that any more sabotage would disqualify the offending team. By five when Levi called time they were exhausted, but all the main rooms, hallways, and stairs had been cleaned to his exacting standards.

Hanji and Levi conferred briefly--they had been tracking both teams' progress throughout the day--and determined that by a slight margin the girls had won. They cheered, while the boys looked on, crestfallen. Hanji handed out their prizes. 

“Don’t we get anything?” Jean complained, watching them. Hanji had gone to town again, and the girls were crowing over the meat and sweetened seedcakes and pears.

“No,” Levi said. “That’s life. You work hard and someone else gets rewarded. Remember that.”

Mikasa and Krista took pity on them and shared theirs, but Sasha disappeared with her hoard.

It rained again the next day, but Levi made them practice outdoors with the maneuver gear anyway. 

“You’re all getting fat and lazy again,” he said, “and if the Titans attack, you can’t ask them to wait until it stops raining. You need to practice in all weather.”

There were a few near misses and close accidents in the slippery conditions, but Levi had predicted this and brought Hanji along. She or Levi swooped in to rescue all of them at one point or another--Mikasa was the only one who escaped this indignity. Although Eren hadn't minded being rescued by Levi when his line had slipped--having the Captain's arms around him, even for only a few seconds, had made the whole wet miserable day of training worth it.

At dinner they begged him for a reprieve and he grudgingly agreed that they could have the next day off to rest.

Another day of rain found Levi holed up in Erwin’s office. Eren had been ogling him at breakfast, and Levi was pretty sure he was going to try to come to his room again, uninvited. Not safe. So this retreat was cowardly, but effective, and gave him a chance to catch up on his reading and reports. 

Hanji came to visit him after lunch. “Can I run an experiment on Eren tomorrow?”

“No,” he said.

“Well, I think you should let me Levi, you’re being really unfair. He’s totally recovered now, he was fighting this morning so--”

Levi groaned and put his pen down. “Fighting who!”

“Jean, I think.”

“This is the thanks those stupid spoiled brats give me when I give them the day off!” he complained. “Hanji, your squad plays instruments, don’t they?”

“Yes, Cara and Norman do, why?”

“I need to keep these little monsters from killing each other,” he said.

 

 

That night when they sat down to dinner Levi looked at them in annoyance. “You are a bunch of troublemakers,” he complained. “No one is permitted to leave after dinner. Hanji and I have plans for you.”

They looked at each other with misgiving, and a few pointed kicks were aimed at Eren and Jean under the table. Dinner was a somber affair. A couple of them were still morosely pushing food around their plates when Levi pushed his chair back from the table.

“All right, you’re finished. Clean this shit up.”

Hanji’s squad ambled over to participate, directing the younger soldiers to move chairs and furniture. Bewildered, they complied while Levi went to sit against the wall with Hanji and the other squad leaders.

“They look like they’re having fun,” Jean muttered, casting an unhappy look over at the officers. “What are they going to do to us?”

“This is all your fault!” Connie gritted at him as he helped Sasha and Mikasa carry a table out of the dining room.

With the room clear Squad Hanji lined up the rest of Levi’s squad so that they were facing each other. Some of their comrades had stayed behind to watch, and were idling by the walls, laughing at their discomfiture.

Arla, who was one of Hanji’s soldiers, stood in the girl’s line facing Jean so that their numbers were even--Connie, Eren, Armin, and Jean on one side, and Krista, Mikasa, Sasha, and Arla facing them on the other.

“Right!” Arla said, clapping her hands. “This is called a Quadrille!”

The Quadrille, they soon realized, was not a new form of torture but a dance. Although after a few minutes some of them felt torture would have been more humane. Arla demonstrated the steps for them, then called to her squadmates for music. Norman had a fiddle and Cara played the flute. They muddled through the steps with Arla calling directions to them. The older soldiers who had stayed behind to watch hooted with laughter and called out encouragement from the sidelines.

Krista and Mikasa were pretty good--they seemed to get it right away. Armin could remember the steps, but his movements were awkward and jerky. The rest of them were awful. The officers, sitting apart from everyone else, seemed to find it all hilarious. Even Levi was smiling.

Everyone else was enjoying it much more than they were. They doggedly kept on--it wasn’t like they had a choice--but not without a lot of grimaces and muttering.

After twenty minutes or so Hanji turned her head and whispered something to Levi. He rolled his eyes but stood up, followed by Mike and Tamryn. The four squad leaders squared off, a little apart from the others, who stepped back to watch.

Hanji nodded to her soldiers to begin the music again, and then the four of them began to move. It was similar to the dance Arla had been trying to teach them, but the steps were more complicated and it was much livelier. The soldiers that had stayed behind to watch began to clap in time to the music, and they called out compliments to their own squad leaders. 

All their movements were perfectly fluid and precise, with none of that awkward jerkiness the rest of them had been doing. And it was...pretty cool actually. Just moments ago they’d been moaning about how horrible and lame the whole thing was; now Jean was unconsciously tapping his foot and the others were nodding along to the music. Watching the steps as they looked from the outside and trying to fix them in their minds. Eren couldn’t take his eyes off of Levi.

Levi. Levi was dancing. It should have been disturbing, shocking. Unbelievable. But Levi was good. All the squad leaders were--even Hanji. 

“They’re really good!” Armin whispered to him, echoing his surprise. Eren nodded. If he stopped to think about it, it even made sense. They were all experts in the use of the maneuver gear--in flying through the air--fighting Titans. Dancing is almost childishly simple compared to that.

At the end of the song the room erupted into spontaneous applause, and Arla nudged them back into line. 

Only this time, Levi and the others joined in, breaking apart so that the experienced partners were matched up with the novices. Some of the other soldiers started to form their own lines on the other side of the room--there was plenty of space--and Arla nodded to the musicians who started up a new song.

It was a lot more fun with everyone else participating instead of just standing around and laughing at them. It was easier, too, when you were partnered with someone who knew what the hell they were doing. The squad leaders were good teachers--they used the same moves as they did during training to nudge and maneuver the rest of them into the right positions. It was amazing how much a squeeze at the waist or shoulder could tell you. Once all the beginners could go through the basic steps more-or-less consistently, everyone who had danced before started throwing in their own personal flourishes. Most of the soldiers had come from places that had their own traditional country dances, and moves from these were freely inserted to meet with either delight or groans from their partners. 

There were frequent partner changes--Eren thought he’d probably done a few steps with everyone in the room by the end of the night. At one point the officers stood together at the beginning of their line--and then went down it quickly, grabbing everyone else, swinging them in and out of the line as they traveled through it, displacing them as they moved along, then going on to the next line to repeat the process. Eren laughed along with everyone else, grinning in open admiration as he watched them move. Levi grabbed his hands and squeezed, and he followed the steps automatically. It was over in seconds, but it was the part of that whole long day that he took into his heart and held onto.

The party went on until well after midnight--might even have gone on until dawn if Levi hadn’t finally broken it up and told everyone to 'go the fuck to sleep.' 

Eren hung back to help the others put the chairs and tables back. Hanji and Levi were sitting together, Hanji complaining to him about her sweaty feet.

“Whew! What a party. That was a good idea.”

Levi grunted.

“We should do it again when Erwin gets back with the other squads. It’ll boost morale or something.”

“If he doesn’t forbid it.”

“What do you mean?”

“Nothing. I’m going to bed. Thanks for the help Four-Eyes.”

“Of course!” Hanji said, beaming at him. 

Eren glanced sideways at him as he walked out, still remembering the brief touch of his hands. 

 

 

Before, Levi had left them to their own devices as long as their duties were accomplished. Now, when they’ve completed chores and training he’ll have some new task for them--one day it’s a thorough cleaning and breakdown of all their equipment, everyone’s gear spread out on canvas tarps in the courtyard. It would have been tedious, except that some of the senior soldiers participated too, telling them about times they’ve been in the field and had jams, or run out of gas. Warning them, but also telling them about the clever solutions they’ve come up with in tight spots. Another time they play a version of Capture the Flag with their maneuver gear in the tree tops against Hanji’s Squad. One afternoon Hanji takes them into the woods to gather wild ramps and mushrooms.

Some days Levi even lets Hanji run experiments on Eren, watching carefully from the sidelines. And after dinner, at least a few nights a week, they play chess. Even when Levi doesn’t participate he’ll stay and watch, and Eren gets a few more moments with him.

When one of his squadmates grumbles about never getting a moment’s peace, Eren points out it’s their training that will keep them alive when it comes down to a fight with the Titans. And they are working together as a team now, better than they ever have.

He still says their names to himself before he goes to sleep at night--Levi’s other squad. He still can’t think about them without feeling sick and guilty. When he’s busy he doesn’t think about them as much--and he feels guilty about that too. 

Things are better between himself and Levi though. Not like before, but he’s mostly accepted that the closeness between them was a temporary thing. His mistake had been in thinking it was more permanent. It doesn’t mean Levi doesn’t care about him, he has to continuously remind himself.

Levi was trying to impose a little order on the world again. Surprisingly, it was working. If Eren’s eyes were still a little rough-looking some mornings, well it was better than watching him run around like a maniac. The group of them were squabbling less, and while far from being a cohesive unit he was satisfied with the progress they were making.

Things are going well, right up until Eren and Krista are kidnapped.


	3. Qui vivra verra

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Minor spoilers through all published manga for this and the next part

**Qui vivra verra**

The world changed again. Erwin’s plot to overthrow the government was a success. But how long would the people support the military?

Krista--Historia’s--true origins were revealed.

Kenny returned.

When it was all over they spent the night in Orvud and Eren slept for twenty-four hours straight. Levi trusted his friends would look after him. For the officers there's no time to rest or even catch their breath; there are endless meetings with Erwin and the other military leaders, discussion of how best to disseminate the news that Historia, the rightful Queen, has been discovered, the exile of the nobility to coordinate. It made Levi's skin itch. None of it was his world--he would have been happy to leave Erwin to it and retire immediately to some out of the way spot with his squad until they're needed. But his commander needed him--his public face as well as his private support and advice. If Erwin noticed how distasteful Levi found the political negotiations he made no comment.

The second day after the defeat of Reiss's Titan Levi felt one of his rare headaches coming on and he went up to bed early. Not to sleep, but to read and commit some notes of Erwin's to memory before burning them with a sigh in the small grate in his borrowed room. He was lying in bed, awake and still working, when there was a knock at his door.

When he opened it, Eren was standing there. 

“Come in,” he said, unsurprised. 

There wasn't any place to sit in the small borrowed room except the bed, and Levi sat. Eren, after a moment's hesitation, came to sit beside him.

“Couldn’t sleep?”

Eren shook his head.

“I didn’t think I was ever going to see you again,” Eren said.

“Yeah.”

They didn't say anything else. Levi wondered tiredly what would happen next. He had been, momentarily, exhilarated by the idea that they could take back Wall Maria when Eren's new powers had manifested. In the endless two days since he's felt doubt and apprehension creep in. Not of Eren--but of what comes next. They don't even know who their enemies are.

They've been lucky (if you can call losing a third of the Corp against those fucking Titan bastards lucky), but he knew how unreliable luck was. It deserted you when you needed it most.

Eren took a deep breath, as if he were steeling himself, then he leaned forward and kissed Levi.

As kisses went, it was hardly spectacular. Eren was holding his breath, and just pressing the barest touch of lips against him, as if he expected Levi to smack him away at any moment. Really, it _was_ what he should do.

He'd made a promise to Erwin, after all.

But he’d also made another promise to himself.

_Sorry Erwin, but I did say if the kid had the guts to try anything I’d let him,_ Levi thought, not sorry at all, and he grabbed Eren and flipped him over.

Eren looked up at him, afraid but defiant. “I wanted to--do that. In case I didn’t get a chance again.”

“Gutsy,” Levi said, neither condemning nor approving. Maybe it was the challenging way Eren kept his head up, green eyes glinting, as if he expected the blows to rain down at any moment and didn't care. That look that said: _It was worth it_. Maybe it was just his tiredness catching up with him, eroding the last of his willpower. Maybe it was just not wanting to be cowardly, when Eren was being so brave.

He kissed Eren--properly. He licked into his mouth, running his tongue along Eren’s lips and teeth. Eren moaned helplessly against him, sliding his hands up Levi's body and burying them in his hair. None of it was safe. Levi kissed him and kissed him.

When Eren pushed him back, just a little bit, Levi moved right away. He slid off Eren’s body with regret, but no hesitation.

“Changed your mind?” he asked.

“No!” Eren said, glaring at him, so mad that Levi couldn’t help but smile.

“Are you--do you really want to do this? With me?” Eren asked. He was clutching Levi's shirt with both hands, staring at it instead of up at Levi's face. There was insecurity there, and hesitation, but also that intractable stubbornness Levi knew so well.

He closed his eyes. Fucking trust Eren to be thinking about _Levi's_ feelings before his own, even at this point.

“I guess so,” he drawled, and Eren grinned suddenly and looked up at him, more reassured by that laconic response than he would have been by declarations of love.

“You know it’s a terrible idea,” he continued, looking at Eren through half-closed eyes.

“What do you mean! It’s a great idea!” 

“I’m too old for you. Also, I’m a pretty fucked up person. And you’ve never even kissed anybody else.”

“How do you know--”

Levi looked at him, and Eren blushed, looking down again. “Oh,” he said. “I’m sorry.”

Levi grabbed the front of his shirt, and yanked him over, “Don’t,” he said, punctuating his words with kisses, “apologize.”

When he stopped Eren was looking pink but reassured. Levi sighed and let him go.

“I’m pretty fucked up too,” Eren said, and Levi made a face at him.

“You’re too young for me.”

Eren exhaled slowly. Levi could almost see the wheels in his head turning, and inwardly it made him smile; he wondered what Eren’s next argument was going to be.

“I don’t care,” he said. “I want this. But, do you? I know...you’ve been avoiding me for a while.”

What could he say to that? It wasn’t his place to say what Erwin had ordered him to do--or rather not to do. Not right now, anyway. But the last thing Eren needed was another reason to hate himself.

Eren gave him a half-smile that was a little sad, a little tired, and surprisingly grown up.

“I’m sorry for disturbing you, Captain,” he said, and he climbed over Levi and stood beside the bed. “You know how I feel. If--if you decide it’s what you want too--” and he gave Levi a look that was open and full of yearning, “You can tell me.”

He left and Levi let him, feeling an odd mixture of surprise and relief tinged with regret and--defeat? He had always known there was more than simple sexual attraction between them, but lately it's been the physical that's preoccupied him. He hadn't expected Eren to sacrifice the physical for the emotional so easily. It's a strange feeling--to have someone else consider your needs, your feelings, before their own.

He'd thought--as much as he'd had time to think about anything for the last half hour--that Eren had come here tonight expecting to be hit, or (less likely) kissed back. He knew firsthand how stubborn Eren was, and he'd never doubted the strength of Eren's infatuation. Levi had, with only a little hesitation, been willing to give him what he'd wanted. What the fuck did it mean that Eren was just willing to walk away from all that so easily? 

He thought he knew, but the answer made him uncomfortable. Vulnerable, weirdly exposed, and wondering what the hell he was supposed to do now.


	4. Je ne tourne si tu ne changes

**Je ne tourne si tu ne changes**

 

Eren showed up at his room again on the night before they were supposed to leave for the capital. Levi raised his eyebrows. “Not going to leave me alone after all?”

Eren grinned helplessly. “I just came to visit. You don’t have anything to worry about. And--you can send me away if you want.”

Levi stepped back to let him in without answering. He’d been sitting on the bed, looking at maps and supply sheets and requisition forms and schedules.

They spent the evening in bed. Not kissing, and hardly even touching. Levi filled in forms and took notes, and Eren lay beside him, the tips of his sock-clad toes brushing Levi’s calves. Not worth complaining about, but definitely there. And he seemed to have been speaking the truth. He didn’t try anything, and he seemed content just to read his book and be near Levi.

It was familiar enough to be soothing. Safe. Even with it all more or less out in the open now between them--Eren knowing that his feelings aren’t exactly unreciprocated--there wasn’t the kind of tension that he would have expected. And that in itself was strange. The idea that Levi could be enough for someone--not his body, or his abilities, or his reputation--but just _him_ was a new one. Petra and Oluo, Eld and Gunther--they had adored him because of what he had been able to do. Because he was their leader. Would they have put up with his quirks if it hadn’t been for his skills? Absurd to even think it.

But Eren, he was beginning to suspect, would. It’s been more than a year since Eren came under his protection. Whatever delusions Eren might once have had about him have to be long gone. He’s seen the dark parts of him, the ugly parts, the difficult parts, and it hasn’t turned him away. He knows Levi is a crotchety, vulgar, fussy, solitary, vain, and sarcastic bastard. He knows better than anyone. And yet he still wanted to be here with him--not even expecting or looking for sex. Just wanting _this_. _Him._

At some point Levi’s hand drifted over to rest on Eren’s shoulder. Eren might have smiled, but even that was hard to tell with his nose buried in his book.

 

Erwin knocked on the door, then opened it. He was used to coming up to Levi’s room to discuss the events of the day. He was tired, and hardly waited for Levi to call to him to enter. He had already opened the door to Levi’s room before it registered in his mind that Levi hadn’t.

They’re on the bed--Levi sitting with his back against the headboard, and Eren half-sprawled beside him. Eren started up guiltily when Erwin came into the room, but Levi only gave him a look of mild inquiry.

He stood there for a moment, trying to grapple with the situation. 

“Eren,” he said, finally. “Could you give us a minute?”

Eren looked wildly between them, his face bright red. Levi nodded and he picked up his boots and walked out of the room, not meeting Erwin’s eye.

When he had gone Erwin looked at Levi. “Why did you disobey my orders?”

“It didn’t seem to matter anymore. Your coup was a success. No one’s going to remove Eren from the Survey Corp now.”

Erwin sighed, deep and frustrated. “Levi,” he said, “what are you _doing?”_

“Fuck if I know,” Levi said.

“Isn’t he a little young for you?”

“Yes.”

“So why--!”

“I don’t know,” Levi said, again. “He likes me, for some reason.” 

“Levi--”

“Before we go any further,” Levi said, setting his papers aside, “I want to know, are you talking to me as my friend, or my superior? Because if you’re going to forbid me from having anything to do with him as my superior, then I’m refusing.”

“A direct order?”

“Yes. You can drum me out of the corp--or have me disciplined--executed--whatever you like. But you can’t order me not to be his friend--or anything else.”

“His ‘friend’?” Erwin repeated in disbelief.

Levi shrugged. “We haven’t really done anything.”

“It didn’t look like it! Levi, I don’t know what kind of madness has gotten into you but apart from anything else he’s your subordinate.”

“I know,” Levi said. “It’s a concern of mine. He doesn’t care. He said he’d be satisfied with my friendship if that was all I could give him,” Levi gave him a small, tired, sad smile.

Erwin stared at him, but his shock was fading as his brain was starting to catch up to the situation. This wasn’t what he’d thought it was. The Survey Corp had a swathe of eccentricity running through it a mile wide. The kind of people the Corp cultivated were by default a little unhinged. What sane person would choose to fight monsters? You had to give allowance for strangeness. It was the only way the whole thing worked.

It was why everyone--from the Squad Captains to the greenest recruits--was given so much discretionary authority and autonomy. In the surreal chaos of battle you had to be able to make decisions for yourself. 

He doubted Levi’s devotion to the Corp less than anyone’s--and that included himself. If Levi was telling him this, that he was willing to sacrifice everything he’s ever valued over what he’d called a ‘friendship’--then Erwin had to believe it was only the tip of some tremendous struggle. One that, in spite of his relationship with Levi, he’d known almost nothing about.

“Then as your superior,” he said at last, “I’ll say no more about it. But as your friend, I’ll say I hope you know what you’re doing.”

“I don’t.”

“I need to talk to you about the meeting in Mitras,” Erwin said, abruptly changing the subject. “I received a message today--”

 

The next day in the midst of their preparations for setting out Eren managed to corner him for a minute.

“I’m sorry Captain,” he said guiltily, looking at Levi sidelong. “I didn’t mean to get you into trouble.”

Levi surprised him by snorting, then surprised him even more by ruffling his hair. “What, it’s only now you’re realizing your behavior is inappropriate?”

Eren blushed, and muttered, “I didn’t--”

“Don’t worry about it. Erwin has bigger things to worry about than whether you can keep your hands to yourself.”

 

For a while they were constantly on the move; after Historia’s coronation they traveled to the walls to test Eren’s abilities, then out to the farm where the squad settled in. Hanji stayed with them while Levi and Erwin returned to the Capital. Levi was ambivalent about leaving him. For the most part, he had tried to avoid thinking about what had happened. Eren had been surprisingly cooperative, not retreating, but staying true to his word and not pursuing him either. When Levi did reflect upon it it was with a dry amusement. Eren had probably realized an indirect and drawn-out campaign was more likely to be successful than an open attack.

Levi returned alone, late one afternoon. He had asked and received permission to leave a few days ahead of everyone else. He hadn’t entirely been able to hide how much of Erwin’s new plans disturbed him. It was rare for them to be in disagreement--and Erwin had been generous enough to overlook his disobedience when it came to Eren. Levi hadn’t openly, or even privately, disagreed with Erwin when they’d discussed the serum and retaking Wall Maria. But he knew that his unease had registered with Erwin; Erwin had acknowledged it, but it had not changed his plans.

He was looking forward to seeing Eren and his friends again, more than he wanted to admit. Most of the rough edges had rubbed off by now. They’d survived enough harrowing experiences that real liking had begun to replace duty. When someone spoke of ‘Squad Levi’ he was starting to think of them first, and not the others. It never failed to sadden him, but it was life. You had to move forward if you weren't going to lay down and die.

In the distance he could see two familiar figures walking together, alone. Historia and Eren. Historia perhaps a little closer to the boy than strictly necessary. 

He pulled up his horse and waited for them to disappear behind the farmhouse before riding up the rest of the way. It was a little bittersweet, but he felt relieved as well--even happy. Historia was a much more appropriate subject for Eren’s attentions. 

The next day he took them out into the woods--all of them, even Historia who insisted on coming--to go through maneuvers and drills. These trees were not ideal for training, too small and thickly clustered together. It had been over a week since he’d seen them last and he was expecting them to be a little rusty.

They weren’t. They moved like one unit, instead of separate parts. One’s agility complemented another’s speed; one’s strength another’s weakness. In training or battle he’d never seen them work so well together. From time to time he caught Eren looking at him, trying to gauge his reaction. Belatedly, he realized that Eren must have dragged them out here to train, maybe even every day that he’d been gone.

It was the middle of the afternoon when he called for them to come down. They looked at him, expectant, wary, maybe even a little nervous, which amused him. They’ve faced down Titans, and yet they’re still afraid of him.

“Well done, all of you,” he said and allowed himself to enjoy their shocked expressions before dismissing them. When he walked away from them, back towards his room, he thought how much it would hurt now to lose any one of them. And it’s almost a certainty that he will. The mission that’s coming is the most dangerous thing they’ve ever faced.

For once he didn’t change his clothes straightaway. He sat down to meditate, but he’d barely started before there was a timid knock at the door. _Don’t answer,_ it said, _and I’ll go away._

He opened the door, and let Eren in. They haven’t done anything, not since that first time. Whatever little touches have passed between them have been entirely chaste, in body if not in spirit. And there was Historia now; a new wrinkle.

Before he could talk himself out of it he embraced Eren, pulling him close and down. They’re both dirty from the day of training--still in their gear. He could smell Eren’s sweat as well as his own. It shouldn’t have been as nice as it was. 

But it felt fantastic, just to hold him in his arms. Alive. Not a broken lifeless body.

Eren hugged him back, hard enough to make his ribs ache. He turned his head, resting it against Eren’s chest, the leather strap digging into his face. 

_I’ll take it all,_ he thought, without regret.

“Levi?” hesitant, worried, concerned. Eren's hands running gently over his body, as if checking for some injury.

Thinking it over, he realized he hadn’t seen Eren looking at Historia at all today. Not more than any of his other teammates. She’d looked at him, sure. But he didn’t think Eren had even noticed; he'd been too busy looking at Levi.

Holding Eren now he can still feel it, that anticipation, sparking under his fingertips. The knowledge that so much more lay just under the surface. That Eren was holding back. Forcing himself to.

Maybe it was better like this. Maybe it could only be like this--all wrong. It’s almost dinner time; if they’re too long getting back to the others, then they arrive back at the same time it’ll be suspicious; they’re both dirty and sweat-stained and rumpled.

He kissed Eren. Eren didn’t lunge at him desperately, or knock him over. His arms came up to pull Levi even closer, and he kissed him back, meeting pressure for pressure. It's a long, sweet kiss; it gave too much away. Levi let him go enough to lean their foreheads against each other.

“What if I said just this, and nothing else? Ever again?”

“That would be okay.”

He’d been prepared to give Eren what he wanted. He hadn’t been prepared for Eren to give him what he needed.

“What if I take all your clothes off? Then make you go away?”

Eren laughed. “I’d call you a tease. But that would be okay too. You like me, that’s enough.”

“Yeah?” he turned his head, rested it on Eren’s chest again. Turned his head away. “What if I loved you?”

Eren’s voice was, maybe, a little watery when he answered. “That would be okay too,” he said. Too quiet and rough to pretend it didn’t mean anything.

Levi kissed him again. Eren put his hands on the straps of Levi’s harness and took them off, piece by piece. Levi stepped out of the bottom half and let it all drop to the floor. He let Eren untuck his shirt, brush the waistband of his pants. 

He took Eren’s harness off; so quick and easy that it made Eren smile between kisses. Who guided them to the bed he couldn’t afterward remember. There was no more talking, for quite a while. It was bigger than both of them now. Too big for doubts and uncertainties. 

Just in their pants and shirts now, and he kissed Eren’s skin, along his neck, his collarbone while Eren gasped underneath him. He doesn’t taste dirty, doesn’t smell unpleasant. The sweat on him is clean, and he had to have washed this morning. Underneath it all Levi could still smell the soap on him.

When their clothes were off they held each other for a long time. Eren’s hands were warm as they traveled up and down his body, tracing old scars, moles, muscles. There were things he had wanted to do for a long time, and Levi let him. His hands, grasping Levi’s heavy thighs. His mouth kissing along Levi’s flat stomach. His hands squeezing his ass and then, finally, coming between them to touch the hardness there.

There’s no going back from this. Levi had known that at once. Too much lay between them. This wasn’t about sex as much as it was knocking down the last walls between them.

Levi kissed his way over Eren’s body, down his chest and belly. Eren shivered when Levi started kissing him there, trailing wetly over the flat planes of his stomach. He nosed through Eren's pubic hair, and Eren started to gasp as if he couldn't get enough breath. 

He licked over Eren’s cock, pulling it into his mouth. Eren was petting his hair--gentle when he remembered and frantic when he didn't. Levi didn't mind. He hadn't done this with anyone in years. Never with anyone who obviously enjoyed it so much. His previous encounters all tended towards the cynical.

Eren was moaning and saying his name; he dragged his teeth across the tender skin and Eren grabbed him and arched his back, crying out.

“Yes, yes, please, yes that's really good--”

He sucked, keeping the pressure hard and relentless while Eren all but sobbed above him. He could feel the moment Eren started to stiffen, close to orgasm. Eren tried to push Levi’s head away, but Levi smacked his hands and kept going. Getting Eren off was as good as getting himself off--better in some ways.

When Eren came he cried out and shuddered, and Levi swallowed the bitter fluid off before letting him go. He came up to hold him, and Eren hugged him, still shaking. 

He'd always been a big believer in taking care of yourself--not making someone else do all the work. He showed Eren what he liked, how hard to touch him, how he liked to be held. Then he pressed Eren down into the mattress and kissed him, sliding his cock in and out of Eren's grasp and between his thighs, slippery with sweat. It was so easy. He kept his eyes shut most of the time so he wouldn't have to look at Eren, looking at him--that was too much. It all was. 

And he knew Eren liked watching him. When he got close he felt his whole body tense up, felt Eren tense up to in response. He put a hand down between them to touch Eren's erection, softly petting. 

"Think you can get off again?"

"Yes!" Eren said, way too eager, and Levi kissed his neck to hide his face; he didn't want Eren to think he was laughing at him.

He put a hand down between them, his other arm supporting his weight. Brought their cocks together, and squeezed, showed Eren what to do.

Eren was craning his neck to look down between them, "Ohh..." he said, the look on his face soft and amazed and so deeply erotic that it wasn't just enough--it was _too much,_ and Levi thrust against him. It was messy and awkward. It should have been, anyway--in reality he couldn't have held back any longer. The orgasm took him roughly, and he cried out--soft, but louder than he'd intended. When those loud waves of pleasure receded they left behind the knowledge that it was the best he'd ever had: shocking and sweet and sort of obscene. After that Eren didn't seem to need to do much more than wiggle to get off again. It should have been dirty, but though he tried Levi couldn't find it in him to feel anything but charmed. Holding Eren, afterward, he found himself laughing.

 

It was nearly dark when he woke up, startled awake by the sound of crockery rattling. 

“Sorry,” Eren said, giving him a sheepish smile. He was dressed, and balancing a laden tray.

“What are you doing?” Levi asked, blinking at him.

“I told the others that you weren’t feeling well, and I would bring up your dinner,” Eren said.

It was something he hadn’t thought of before, but now he smiled faintly. “I guess it is more believable that you’re chasing me around coddling me than that you’re sleeping with me.”

“Um,” Eren said, looking away, “Well, they do sort of say I’m an ass-kisser now…” he muttered, and Levi laughed.

“All of them?”

“Mostly,” he said, resigned. “When I went down to tell them, Mikasa said my obsession with you was creepy.”

“It is,” Levi agreed unsympathetically. “Come here.”

He pulled Eren into his arms and rolled around the bed with him; Eren got it after a minute, and then they were play-wrestling. It was goofy, beneath his dignity, and something he’d been wanting to do for months, so he did it, giving in completely and letting himself enjoy it. It was _safe_.

When he had Eren thoroughly pinned he let his hand ride up underneath Eren’s shirt, then started tickling him. Eren yelped and squirmed ferociously; Levi thought fleetingly of the thin walls, but decided since everyone was at dinner they wouldn’t hear. Probably. Eren managed to get an arm free, and then used a pretty good move to flip them over, so that Levi was underneath. He could have stopped him, but was impressed enough that he let it happen.

“You’re getting better.”

“You don’t have to sound so surprised,” Eren complained, and kissed him. At some point he mashed his face into Levi’s collarbone and said, 

“I love you.”

As though holding it in any longer would have broken him.

“Yeah,” Levi said.

 

One night Jean made a crack about Eren and the Captain. They were cleaning up after dinner--it was Jean and Eren’s night to do the dishes, and Jean was washing.

“So, Eren,” he said. “The Captain should be here any minute to take you on your date. You guys have anything special planned tonight? Is he gonna take you dancing?”

Armin held his breath, waiting for the explosion. It didn’t come. Eren laughed in his _face._ He didn’t even pause in drying the dish he was holding.

“Yes, Jean,” Eren said, “he calls me _schwoopy_ when we’re not playing chess and he writes me fucking _love poems._ Hey, why don’t you ask him about it yourself if you’re so curious?”

Jean looked distinctly uncomfortable, and unfortunately for him it was at that moment Captain Levi walked into the room.

“Hey Captain,” Eren said cheerfully, replacing the dish and picking up another one, “Jean wants to ask you something.”

Captain Levi turned his steely-eyed glare on Jean, who paled and trembled underneath it.

“Well, Kirschtein?”

“N-nothing sir!”

Levi stared at him a long moment. “Quit dicking around,” he said, not just to Jean, but to the room in general. “Do you idiots not realize your lives are in danger?” He shook his head. 

“Coming Eren?”

“Yes, sir,” Eren said. He put down his dish and followed Levi out, smirking at Jean as he brushed past him.

“Do you want black or white tonight?”

“I’ll take black.”

“You sure?”

Armin could hear their voices drift faintly away down the hallway; he grinned into his mug of tea. As soon as they were out of earshot the room erupted into laughter; Jean looked embarrassed and red-faced. “Oh, shut up,” he mumbled, sinking his hands into the dishwater.

“No--no, Jean, that was really smooth! You really showed Eren there!” Sasha said, howling with laughter.

“I said shut up about it!”

“I liked the way you stood up to the Captain, Jean,” Connie put in. “That was brave of you.”

Armin knew that things had gotten physical between them--he thought he could probably guess the exact moment it had happened, if Eren’s cheerful behavior at breakfast the next morning was anything to go by. In the beginning, when they’d first come back and he’d been laboring under a fallacy--he’d worried about the impact such a relationship would have on his friend.

Levi was much older, and presumably much more experienced, and Eren worshipped him. He was in complete control of himself, whereas Eren could barely contain his rage and frustration from moment to moment. It had seemed, at the very least, morally sticky. And the idea that Eren would get his heart broken--or worse--had been a constant source of worry for him.

He hadn’t had all the information at the time though. He’d thought that by its nature it would have to be an unequal relationship--he couldn’t have foreseen how it could have been otherwise.

But he did now. No one could look at them, the two of them together--as Armin has--in private unguarded moments when they’ve thought themselves unobserved, and think that they are anything but equals. He hasn’t seen anybody else make the Captain smile like Eren does, and he’s never seen Eren so calm and happy and in control of himself. He wondered if it was that--being so different that made them work so well together.

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from the translation of a latin phrase: Adversus solem ne loquitor. It means "don't argue what's obviously wrong" or don't fight the obvious--making it self-explanatory why it was such a good title here :P


End file.
